Shelf Life (2020)


[Calming voice] It’s 7:00 a.m It’s 7:00 a.m. It’s Friday. It’s Friday. You’re up so early. You must feel as light as air. Air is entering your body and filling your stomach like a balloon. You can make it if you really try. You can see the cycle to which you are tethered. The stars are infinite. There is still water. There is still air. There is still space. Nothing ever really stops, don’t you think? Things just become something else. You can keep everything together. [Marge] You missed a sunrise today, so vivid, beautiful. So when do you get off? [GOLDA] They’ve got me driving out pretty fucking far. [MARGE] Okay, just don’t forget we’re driving Zelda to the party tonight. Be good for you to get out. You’ve been so annoying lately. It it weird some stuff doesn’t fuck with my OCD like blood? [MARGE] Not really. [GOLDA] Why not? I have a theory. Lots of stuff is the waste of something else discharge right? I bet you like sweat too. Boogers are protective. In this case blood is just like booger food coloring. Your body protects itself with waste. [MARGE] I like the asshole this has no end except your mouth that’s self-sustaining pretty communist. I also like that, you can squish all the goopy stuff out of your pores, endlessly renewable resource. Maybe you should start keeping blackheads and jars. You’d like that wouldn’t you new germ free like a poisonous snake for a pet? My body is a graveyard. Oh my god. Okay. Bye. It’s a full moon tonight Golda. [Somber, bass-y music] [BETH] Look this, delicious. [GOLDA] Looks fresh. I want my dolls to be pescetarian, but it’s so hard to give up hearty meals. I mean agriculture fucked up like omega-3 and 6 in vegetables and meat anyway. Are you a nutritionist or something? [GOLDA] No. So what are you like really into crafts. What I’m into you is the idea of reducing everyday objects by ratio. [BETH] Do you think if everything suddenly had to shrink, it would all shrink the same or only some and we would choke trying to eat our favorite foods Because they’d be different ratios of shrunk. I think if we all shrank, whatever was inside us might not shrink with us, and then we’d die instantly That’s not funny Bodies aren’t like pieces are they? Do you think they are? It seems like a big question. But I don’t know if the food you eat is part of you. That’s so delicate. I’m really excited for this one. [Droney pop-punk] You got it? [GORDON grunts] [Archival radio from JFK’s assassination] What is it? Oh it’s sickening. Someone’s toe nails or something fucked up? Please. [GOLDA] What the fuck is that? [GORDON] Please! Handle that with care. That’s fucking horrible. Who’s your fave? [GORDON] Oh, don’t make me choose dear. Does it freak you out to own Trump related objects, or is it just like purely nihilistic? Do you not fear death, is what I mean. First celebrity president, first presidential fandom, first pop culture artifact. That’s just ahistorical, dude. Yeah, every president was on reality TV. Huh? People treated the two-party system like a sports rivalry Gordon [GORDON] I’m sure lesbos know a lot about sports. [GOLDA] Just because Trump was like uber-fasc Bret Michaels doesn’t mean the rest of his predecessors weren’t fucked up pop-culture caricatures like pokemon cards for your ideology. There are people who want to fuck serial killers and you think the presidency wasn’t all about fandom? Look at you you’re turning your house into a fucking roadside museum. Didn’t realize I triggered you. Get fucked, Gordon. [Aggressive honking] [Dreamy gay pop] Big d*ke energy [ZELDA] I’m fucking hungry Marge. I Can’t decide what’s away tonight. I have like a zillion years worth of options. What a bright future you’ll have. A star for my star. I want to look the way kinetic sand makes you feel. Sleepy? Sips not slurps. [ROSE] This will probably be the most exciting delivery of your day. You’d be surprised Do you tell all your friends about all the weird stuff people buy? Yeah, my friends are friends. Sorry Do you think people like to fuck in latex cuz it always looks wet? I’ve never bought anything like this before You’re really diving in I’d wear it to a mystical party like Candyland It’s like fruit leather. What’s your favorite material? Like fabric? Whatever those people who get too close to volcanoes wear. Fearless. The opposite actually. Well, I guess if you die in that it’s decided for you what you’re buried in Do you want to wear it to your party? No, that’s okay. You should probably put it on and never take it off. [ROSE] You should wear glitter. [Deeply somber emotional void music] [Party sounds and tunes] [ETHEL] The original hashtag that got Yankee all her attention was Hashtag emo Kitty, but then we also started tagging hashtag kitty tears. When she got on trending, we had a lot of trouble figuring out what to settle on but now the profile is just Emo Kitty. [TOVA] That’s clever by kind of throwback referential translates. What reference? Emo, you’d think it would have faded out by now. It’s just a buzz word. No one thinks the cat likes MCR. Micro self-definition is just repackage rugged individualism. Assimilate and disappear keep calm and carry on. Oh please, you would believe in the home of nationalist crowd. Why can’t you just let people live their lives? You would’ve made a great congresswoman, Lucille. Bite me. Just a soft breakup we’re still sharing our collective bed It’s not really bothering me all that much. Our two partners seem the most stressed about it But it is a bit of a tight squeeze now that the two of us aren’t sharing a pillow. Rent I must have been cheap before. You should come over after this. We’re having an after-party where we’re all gonna buzz our heads Everyone hit the kitchen if you want to see Sylvia take a shot of my cat’s ashes. Sorry if I’m bothering you by sitting here. Why would you be bothering me? I don’t know if you’re sitting alone because you’re like, on something weird and freaking out. I’m sorry. I I’m having trouble relating to people lately. I haven’t been outside in a while Cuz I’m scared the sky falling. Yeah, we’re all going to fucking die. Sorry, I shouldn’t have led with that or said it like that. I’m sorry. No, it’s embarrassing. No, it’s not. Why isn’t everyone afraid? [GOLDA] They don’t want to be? I feel like I’m 13 again. Like no one has any fear in their body. I’m Golda. Tova. If it makes you feel any better, I always think large groups of people are a cult gathering to murder me apocalypse or not What if instead of a cult gathering it was just like a Comedy Central Roast? Are you a crier or a moper? Cryer. I’m a moper. You seem more like an analyzer, like you stew. A stewer. Well, that wasn’t one of the options. Do you know what the weirdest part of this party is so far? The impending doom? The reformed frat guy? Reformed? There’s some trendy articles about it, yeah. It’s like this growing movement of young fraternity men who are worried about going to hell when everything ends. So they’re overcompensating for violent bigotry in their lives and family histories by getting in with d*ke crowds. If you ask him, he’ll clean out your gutters or plunge your toilet. It’s like fast casual repentance. Weird that it always hell, huh? Unoriginal? [TOVA] It’s selfish. He’s making us all martyrs for his cause. What’s the best way to make good at this point? If everyone’s on their way out who is there to really help? Apologizing to everyone you’ve ever hurt Than carving pictures into bedrock depicting what happened to humanity and examples of every earthly language to outlive you. [GOLDA] Like what, stick figures made of methane gas? [TOVA] Poems. Collections of famous photographs burned into subaquatic mountains. [TOVA] Carved into the DNA of fish species so that it’ll take billions of years to decode. That’s so romantic [TOVA] Maybe it’s just like a computer simulation and the files are saved somewhere. That’s some shit they tell you about social media before you apply to a job. Are you a fire sign? Lesbian astrological culture will be burned into star gas. It’ll be the Northern Star for a planet far away to guide sailors into the night. Isn’t that a Hole song? Look at all the dead farms outside, Marge, with the tall grass. They’re like used pore strips. Did you know Golda is a doomsday prepper? Are they one too? You shouldn’t die with so much angst Goldie might end up somewhere you don’t want to be. But maybe they’ll come with you. [GOLDA] People are lonely And most people are collecting stuff they’ve always wanted like a last minute archive for the shit they cared about most [TOVA] A tomb. Stories make it sound so sad, but people are just sifting through their thoughts. What’s been your favorite? There’s a lady trying to collect every piece of Elvira merchandise ever made. It’s like the warehouse never runs out of Elvira tchotchkes. For a sex thing? Honestly, I can’t tell the difference anymore. What would you collect if you could? You first. Things that don’t decompose, hard plastics. I’d build an altar underground out of hard plastic and silicone from melted down vibrators. A brief biography of important historical figures. I trust it if it’s people who are important to you. What about you? Scooby-doo figurines. [Romantic gay pop music swells] [GOLDA] Good morning. Will you come with me today? It’s fatalistic, depressing, hopeless, but what else is there? We’ll be like archivists. Yeah, if you want. [Gay as shit pop punk swells]

8 comments

  1. i love this!! just so you know, adding captions will help make this film much more accessible! amazing job!!!

  2. Such a beautiful film. I really loved getting to see so many of my talented friends and their hard work! Really amazing job everyone <3

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